Hókwať: The inner thoughts of a man on the outside
by Nauticalmass
Summary: The end of a man's life can raise a lot of questions. This is Charlie's story. Canon. One-shot.


**Author note: All recognizable characters belong to SM. Thank you to my Project Team Beta betas, Solareclipses and Smexy4Smarties. **

**Summary: On the day of Harry Clearwater's funeral, Charlie thinks about how he came to meet Harry and Billy and how he fell in love with Renée. An entry for the Strictly Charlie contest. **

It seems I'm always standing on the outside of the crowd, just observing from the periphery and never really finding my place. Today, like so many days, I don't know what to say or even where to put my hands. I settle for awkwardly standing with my hands in my pockets.

"Charlie, we'll be set for you and my dad soon."

"Uh, thanks, Jacob." I nod to him as he walks away and the ritual wailing begins.

It seems all of La Push—and a decent number of folks from Forks—have come out for Harry Clearwater's funeral this afternoon. All day, I've been hearing about how we should be celebrating his life and how we should be happy for his proud legacy, but I can't help thinking about how much I'll simply miss my friend.

I've never been one for having many people in my life. I would just rather make the few I have really count, and Harry counted an awful lot.

As the wailing dies down, I dig my scuffed shoe into the sandy soil and look up to the sky. _Harry, you up there yet?_

The sky is gray, but so far, we've been lucky with mild temperatures and no sign of rain. It allows me to see all the way from Harry and Sue's backyard to the island that will soon become his resting place.

During the service, Sam Uley recounted how Harry had always been a cultural steward for his people and how his last words were about how he was going home with the Great Spirit. _"Tìxwáli."_ _I'm going home. _Harry's final home would be on what I grew up calling James Island, but the tribe refers to as A-ka-lat.

According to Billy, it is Harry's birthright as a council member to rest at "the top of the rock." Since the beginning of time, the Quileute have enclosed their honored dead in blankets belonging to the deceased and hung them from the treetops of A-ka-lat. Sue said that current government regulations forbid the tribe from that traditional practice. It seems they only have sovereignty on the rez and not the island. After many shouting phone calls to different advocacy agencies on Billy's part, he and Sue compromised and agreed to have Harry cremated first.

As soon as everyone finishes offering their condolences to Sue, Billy and I will row out to A-ka-lat in a red cedar canoe with Harry's remains to send them to the top of the canopy where they belong. I thought for sure Seth or Sam would have been better choices to go with Billy, but when I mentioned it to him, he grabbed my arm and with a thick voice said, "You and I were Harry's pack. You and I will do it."

"Does it matter than I'm not Quileute?" I asked him.

"It never once mattered to us."

~*H*~

For almost as long as I can remember, Harry and Billy have been a part of my life. Growing up, my dad would often drop me off at the rez to spend time with his sister and her husband, my Aunt Molly and Uncle Quil. He was never pleased that his sister chose to live on the reservation, even after the scandal of her marriage died down. He thought she could do better for herself, but eventually he and Old Quil came to a quiet understanding. It was my mother who encouraged me to interact with my cousins at La Push. I had difficulty making friends in school, and because of my parents' age, their friends' kids were all significantly older than me.

Out of all the kids on La Push, I got along best with Billy and Harry, even though when we first met I was skeptical. My dad dropped me off at my aunt and uncle's for the afternoon while he and my mom went shopping in Port Angeles. My cousin Quil was grounded, so Aunt Molly told me to run down to First Beach and see if any of the other boys were around to play. When I got to the beach, there was a kid a few years older than I was and one about the same age. They were playing some sort of stick toss game and called that I should come join.

I wasn't sure if I was tossing the sticks correctly, but the older one grunted, "Not bad for a _Hók__w__ať_."

"A Ho-_what_?" I asked him.

"Ho-_quaht_. Pale face. You're not bad for a pale face." The younger one laughed, smacking me in the shoulder.

We had been friends ever since, and it seemed Harry had always been able to find reasons to laugh.

~*H*~

I can't help but smile at the fact that, for once, I'm not the only _Hók__w__ať_ at La Push. Harry would have gotten a kick out of all of the "pale faces" at his funeral. Growing up, Harry would always jump out at me and say, "Boy, Charlie, I didn't mean to scare you so bad. You're as white as a sheet!" He also loved to introduce me to girls at La Push as Quil's cousin but then say that I stayed in the bath too long and it washed out all of my color. I chuckle thinking about how much he loved to tease me.

We must be getting pretty close to the time to go. I don't see Seth or Leah, but they're most likely in the house with their family from the Makah rez. Jake is probably finishing with the ramp down to the canoe. Yesterday, he and some of his over-grown friends went to the island to make a makeshift ramp of plywood from the edge of the sand at high tide up to the tree line in order to accommodate Billy's wheelchair.

I asked Sue if she wanted to come with us. It only seemed right that she be there, if not the kids, too. She said the same thing as Billy. We were his pack, and the children had already played their parts in his funeral. Seth helped with the preparations for Billy and packed the canoe with food to leave for his dad's spirit on A-ka-lat. This morning, Leah helped her mom to cut off her hair and sew it into the pouch of Harry's ashes.

Without her long hair, Sue looks so different as she stands, receiving a line of people from La Push, the nursing home where she works, and Harry's friends from the fish and game commission. From where I'm standing, I can barely make out the hushed offers of sympathy and gentle murmuring of "_Ayáso-chid_?"

After the last person hugs Sue and heads into the house, she turns away, clutching the woven bag of Harry's ashes to her chest. She whispers something to the sky before going and gently handing the parcel to Billy and walking away with her shoulders shaking. Billy nods to me from across the scattered crowd and starts to wheel my way.

"Harry always had to go first," I say once he arrives.

"Yeah." He chuckles as we head toward the waterfront and away from the small brown house.

~*H*~

I love that with Billy and Harry I never had to talk a lot. In school, I was generally too shy to make friends, but my quietness never bothered them. I'll never forget when in high school I made the mistake of trying to be someone I wasn't.

There were a group of guys on my baseball team who seemed really cool. I had just made the team and for once wanted to fit in. On the weekends, they liked to sneak onto the grounds of Anderson's Rock Company to jump into one of the old flooded quarries. I knew breaking through the gate was wrong, but I didn't want them to think I wasn't man enough to do it. The one time I went with them, we didn't even make it to the quarry because of the flashing lights that met us at the gate.

The look of sadness on my dad's face when he picked me up from the police station has always stayed with me.

"Any man who's worth his salt obeys the law," he said.

I vowed that day would be the last time my old man was ever disappointed in me.

I never tried to break into the quarry again, but it took my friendship with Harry and Billy to show me that those guys from the team were trouble. One day after practice, I was meeting Harry, Billy, and my cousin Quil at the diner in Forks. I was standing outside with a few of my teammates when they pulled up and "yipped" to me in greeting.

"Don't they have restaurants where you can eat on the rez, somewhere with seal belly on the menu?" the team captain taunted.

My face turned red, and I couldn't think of what to say. My friends walked up to the door of the diner, pretending they didn't hear what he'd said.

"Hey, just so you know, no feathers are allowed here," another guy muttered.

"What do _you_ say, Charlie?" the captain asked.

I hesitantly lifted my eyes to those of my friends. For a moment, I thought I was embarrassed that my teammates would know I was friends with the three of them. However, then I remembered who I was, and I replied, "I say today was my last practice. I quit."

"Let's go somewhere else," I said to my friends before jumping in the back of Billy's truck with Harry and kissing my hopes of ever becoming a pro baseball player goodbye.

When we got out to the rez, I stumbled my way through an apology for my teammates.

"I hope that's not the kind of person you think I am, what you mean when you call me a _Hók__w__ať_."

"Charlie, we have a special term for guys like that, and it isn't _Hók__w__ať_; it's asshole." Harry laughed, letting me know all was forgiven. I never again forgot who my real friends were.

When they asked me about why I was even with those guys from the team and I explained about the quarry jumping, they offered to take me cliff diving, something all the La Push boys do to mark their passage into manhood.

The few times we made the jump together were exhilarating—once you had the courage to go over the edge. The father in me is glad I didn't a son, because I would never need to worry about that recklessness, but I know a part of me would be proud if my child was brave enough to make the leap.

~*H*~

"You ready to ready to climb in, Chief?" Sam asks me, interrupting my thoughts.

Billy is already situated in the back of the canoe, and Jake is putting his folded chair in between two of the seats.

"Billy, you sure you don't want me to sit in the back?" I ask.

He laughs heartily in response. "No, thanks. First, my arms are a hell of a lot stronger than yours. You forget, I spend my whole day working them. Second, I've got at least a good thirty pounds on you. Third, if I wanted to paddle in a circle, I would just stay here."

"All right. All right," I say, throwing up my hands in defeat. I walk through the shallow water, and climb in the front of the canoe. "Come on, I wasn't that bad the last time we went out to James Island."

Jake and Sam give us a push into the water, and we start to paddle our way out. The island rises out of the ocean in a series of steep tree-topped cliffs. Today is one of the rare days when it isn't shrouded in the typical mist that plagues the Washington coast.

After a few minutes of silence, Billy calls out, "Ha! Not that bad. As it was nearly twenty years ago the last time we went out together, you clearly aren't remembering it correctly. You were busy staring at Renée in the canoe instead of paddling."

I couldn't believe it had been that long since Harry, Billy, and I had taken our girls out to the island for a picnic shortly after Billy's twins were born. Regardless of the amount of time that had passed, that day was one of my happiest days with Renée, and the details of it were firmly etched in my mind. He was right; I was busy staring at her. Whenever we were together, I had trouble looking at anything else.

By the time I met her, Harry and Billy had each been married for a few years. I enjoyed the time we spent as a group, but often I felt like a fifth wheel, and the guys didn't have as much time to go fishing like we used to do.

On a rare day when it was just the three of us on First Beach, Harry was teasing that it was about time I find a girl of my own. He didn't get it. _They _had known their wives their whole lives. Neither of them had to go looking for their mates; it was as if they were destined to be together.

"Not everyone can find a wife within fifty feet of First Beach," I told him.

I didn't get to complete my thought, because the most beautiful girl I had ever seen literally came crashing into my lap. She had been running after a Frisbee and tripped over her own feet.

She told me her name was Renée and that it meant "reborn." That was exactly how I felt in that moment. Re-born. I knew without a doubt that she was the one for me.

She was originally from California but was camping nearby with some girlfriends. We spent the rest of the week together, and she promised to come back on her return trip south. When she came back through Forks, she admitted that she had been thinking of me the whole time she was gone. I couldn't believe my good fortune that someone like her could fall for someone like me.

I was so afraid that one day she would see how ordinary I was, but she decided to stay with me anyway. She was the first girl to tell me she loved me, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

Renée wanted to get married barefoot on First Beach where we met. Not only did the location hold special meaning for us, but she fell in love with the Quileute culture and how close they were to nature. She said she didn't want a roof between us and God when we said our vows. However, my parents were insistent that we get married in a church or, at a minimum, inside. Renée didn't want to get married in a church where she wasn't a member, so we compromised and got married at the Port Angeles courthouse by a justice of the peace.

She wanted it small, so only my parents, Harry, Billy, and Sarah were there. Sue was home with newborn baby Leah. Renée was a sight in a gauzy cream dress and flowers in her hair. I've always regretted that we didn't get married outside like she wanted; my Sunshine was just too beautiful to be contained in that red brick building.

She got along well with Sue and especially Sarah due to their shared artistic passions. A few weeks after we were married, we were invited to La Push for the first salmon ceremony, where wives would take the heads and bones of their husbands' first salmon catch of the year and return them to the river in hopes of encouraging more salmon to come. Sue loaned Renée one of her baskets for the event, and she was determined to have one of her own for the next year. For several weeks she worked on weaving a basket before finally giving up and deciding to move onto something easier.

Shortly afterward, she found out she was pregnant, and it was as if all the stars had aligned. We really were meant to be together. We weren't just going to be a couple, we were going to be a family. Renée was always my sunshine on a cloudy day, and on our wedding night when we danced to the song "My Girl," I never could have imagined my heart belonging to anyone else. Then, I met Bella. All of my hopes and dreams were wrapped up one tiny, squirming, pink bundle.

Harry and Billy were over the moon about me having a little girl, too, and we assumed that Rachel, Rebecca, Leah, and Bella would grow up to be close friends just like we were. In all of my happiness, it took me a while to see how depressed Renée was after Bella was born.

When we first met, she told me I wasn't quiet; I was just a good listener. That was before she complained about feeling like she was talking to the wall once I got home from work, when I _was_ home.

She grumbled about my hours at the police station and didn't understand why Forks would need more than one cop anyway. I told her the long hours wouldn't last forever, but that it was expected of a rookie.

"Oh please, Charlie, even if you were Chief you would practically live at that station," she said.

I knew she was sad, but I thought it would go away. Billy warned me that her restless spirit was too close to that of Bayak the raven and that one day she might fly away. He wanted me to guard my heart, but I didn't listen, _couldn't_ listen.

"Wasn't Bayak the one who hung the sun?" I asked him. I could never turn away from Renée; she hung my sun, and she lit up my life.

When she finally left, taking her sunshine and my beautiful little girl with her, I wanted nothing more than to run after her. It killed me to be away from Bella, but my parents were in such bad health, and most days, my mom didn't even know who my dad was. I told myself that I would have the rest of my life to be a good father, but I had limited time to be a good son.

I thought Renée would just go stay with her mother for a little bit and then come back to me. I was just going to give her a little space.

When I received the first photo in the mail of her and Bella in California, I couldn't believe how much better Renée looked. They both looked so happy. It broke my heart, but they were clearly better off without me.

I'll admit that I've always held out hope that she would come back to me. I've kept that damn half-finished, lopsided basket in my attic for eighteen years thinking that maybe one day she'll decide she wants to come home and finish it.

Other than some new kitchen curtains Sue made me for Christmas a few years ago, I haven't been able to change anything about the house since Renée left. It was so important to her that, if we were going to live in Forks just down the street from my parents, she have a house she could really love. Even after all of these years, I can't get rid of anything, because it would signify it wasn't her home anymore. Even when I'm not at home, she's still a part of my life. I continue to eat nearly every day at the diner where she took a job as a waitress, just because she liked it there.

~*H*~

Billy and I have both been lost in thought during the trip to the island, and I feel bad for thinking so much about Renée and not about Harry. The canoe slides onto the sand, and I hop out to pull it onto the beach before unfolding Billy's wheelchair and helping him to transfer from one seat to the other.

"It was awfully smart of those boys to think of making this plywood ramp on the beach," I say.

"Yeah, they're good kids," Billy responds as I push him up to the tree line. His focus is almost entirely on the bag in his lap.

When we arrive at the trees, there is already a pulley in place to take Harry's ashes to the top of the canopy. I attach the woven sack and then go back and stand next to Billy, waiting for him to say something. I'm not quite sure what the proper thing to say would be.

"Well, Harry, _haćháł ẋiẋiḳtíya_. We've had good weather today, and I would sure as hell rather be fishing with you than doing this," Billy says and then nods at me to say something.

"Um. Harry, you know I'm not good at this sort of thing. I'm sure whatever I would say, if you were here, you'd find something funny about it. You were always one to laugh, and we'll miss your sense of humor. I spent too many years without a family here, but you always made sure I wasn't alone." I cough to try to dispel some of the emotion.

~*H*~

Harry and Sue always "took me in" on the holidays, and when Bella stopped visiting Forks at about age fifteen, he never let me give up hope on my relationship with her.

I was sad that soon she would be going to college, and I was losing my chance to be her dad. One day, I was over at Harry's to watch a baseball game, and when Leah got home, he asked her if she wanted to watch the game with us.

"Some of us have better things to do than watch baseball. I need to study for my SATs."

"It's just a test. Come on; just watch a little with us. When you were little, you used to love to watch games with your old man," Harry responded.

"You don't get it. This is important, Dad. I need to study. I'm going to make something of myself. I'm not going to be content to spend my whole life stuck here on the rez," she said before storming off to her room.

I was embarrassed to hear her talk to him like that, but Harry told me it was normal teenage girl behavior. I said that I wouldn't know.

"I'm proud of my girl, and I hope she does make something of herself, even if it takes her away from La Push," he told me.

"It's awfully hard to be away from them, though." Two weeks a year wasn't enough time with Bells.

"Little girls always find a way back to their dads, and one day, yours will find her way back, too. After all, we were the first men in their lives."

He gave me hope, and a few days later when I found out Bella wanted to come live with me in Forks, Harry was the first one I called.

When Bella did move in, I was never sure what to say to her or how to act. I was afraid I wouldn't say the right thing and that I would scare her off. Harry told me that when dealing with teenage girls, nothing you say is the right thing.

Then, after "the incident" when she started to become more and more emotionally vacant, Harry reminded me that she would one day come back to me.

~*H*~

Billy starts to speak. "My friend, I hope you greet every day with the sunrise and say good night with the moon. We say goodbye to one of your souls today, but may the other always watch over our people. May you now swim with the great _Kwalla _and soar with the Thunderbird. I will look for you in the skies until we can fly together."

He points to the rope, and I start to raise Harry's ashes to the top of A-ka-lat.

I hope he can hear me. "You've always given me such peace of mind, and I hope you're at peace now, too. _Haćh awí_, Harry."


End file.
